Rain, rain, come my way

Water Day15: 1.7 litres. A dozen and a half trips to the bathroom.

I almost wished today rained heavily. Weird how the rain calms me down even when each thunder and lightning make my heart thuds faster. Rain washes away my worries, even if only for a while. I'd take a deep breath and close my eyes, allowing the smell of the rain to seep through my body. It makes me feel...clean. And happy. And I am a kid again, running around the house while it's raining heavily. Clothes drenched to the skin, teeth chattering, yet refused to get in the house to take a warm bath and change into something warm. I almost could see mom yelling at me for being so childish. Always there to remind me how I should behave. Girls can't do this. Girls can't do that. When I asked why, she said "Because I say so." My young mind rebelled at such answer. Then I'd run to the other side of the house so she wouldn't see me. I just wanted to spend some time under the rain. What harm could it do to others?

Today I want to be that kid again. So carefree and doesn't care a thing about what other people think. So full of dreams and life. So innocent. Life must be so much simpler if I were that kid once again. I'm too young to be cynical. I'm too young to be jaded. I should be burning with dreams and hopes and faith in myself, not doubting my chances at ever be happy, content, in love with life and that someone special.

I have so many things I have yet to do. I haven't learn how to make lasagna. Or roast a turkey. I need to learn how to cut things like the way the chefs show on TV. That's so cool. If it's too much to hope for someone with little understanding about what should be done in the kitchen, then I guess I need to learn how to not cut myself when I'm handling a knife.

I still need a few hundred dollars to add to my saving so I can buy a SLR camera. I want to learn about cool photography tricks. Learn about Photoshop and other photo editing techniques. When I'm good enough, I want to enter Photography contest and meet other photographers whom works always inspire me.

I still don't know how to swim. I haven't try sky gliding yet. I haven't learn to let go. I've never fallen in love yet.

So many things to do, yet I give myself excuses after excuses and leave all the dreams withered, dry and die. I say, wait until I save enough money before I can buy a camera. Wait until I get the next bonus before I can enroll myself in a cooking class. Wait until I lose a few pounds, learn how to dress myself nicely before I'm ready to put myself out there. In truth, it's all excuses just to avoid from getting disappointed, then hurt. Too many insecurities to worry about, hiding behind a facade of indifference, not allowing other people to get closer to who I am. Blaming everyone but myself for the crappy life that I'm leading when in fact I know I just have to do something about it and it will turn for the better, even just a little.

If only I know how to be that kid again. Full of life, full of hopes, full of faith in her self.